Hello once again, I know it's boring to read whining posts and complaining, but have you ever tried looking cheerful when u're actually crying inside, calm from the outside and screaming deep inside, barely smiling to keep people out of the picture, so that no one notices what is really going on.. I think it's time to stop and realize that change should happen. I'm gonna start working on a project that involves me. It's time I worked on "The New Me".
"The New Me" is stronger, wiser, and optimistic. I'm not going to let my feeling run me over or drive me to think with my heart, it's like my brain has no control over me, I've lost grip of wisdom. Optimism.. this part is the hardest right now, my friend that I talked about in the previous posts has agreed to do the surgery, his surgery is going to be in August, he thinks that he may not live till august, but here's where positive thinking takes place, in order to keep him going and keep him holding on, I need to give him hope. I'm about to fall into pieces right now, I feel useless and jaded. I want to make a change.. but one step at a time..
If you were to change, working on the new you.. what would you change?
First thing's first, I know I haven't posted anything for ages, and I admit I stopped reading your guys' blogs and I apologize sincerely! The reason is that I was a wreck, yes I understand that it's not a good enough excuse but I was swamped! Here's the thing.. I'm fed up of putting a fake smile on my face and pretend everything is okay, I'm tired of being nice! I'm done being nice.. do you know how hard it is to care about someone so much but in the end something happens and changes everything.. When you know u're not wrong but everything falls on ur head anyways? when they make mistakes and you keep giving them chances? you keep forgetting the bad things and focus on the good ones? you forgive and pretend that it's okay when it's not? But then you reach ur limit! this is my limit and I've reached it .. I think I lost one of my best friends.
The second thing that's killing me is one of the closest people I know is giving up! my friend had been suffering heart problems since birth and from one surgery to another, there's a surgery coming up soon, Its survival rate is 40% and if he doesn't do this surgery he's gonna stay sick all his life. Although he has a 40% chance of surviving I want him to hold on to that percentage! I'm scared and I'm pretty sure he feels the same too. How can you tell someone everything is gonna be okay when you don't know that? how can you give someone hope when they've already lost it? how can you make that person fight? I want him to fight!
I have more things to talk about.. and if I kept them inside I'm pretty sure I'll fall apart.